12 Steps To Surviving A Long Ass Flight

Travel Tips

The ultimate guide (mile-high club tips not included).

As a child, hopping on a plane was incredibly exciting to me. It was a chance to venture to another land. An opportunity to bug the sh*t out of my mother about getting novelty chocolates in duty free. To date, not much has changed. My mood soars when I head through the gates and yes, I still prowl duty free for certain novelties. Two for $55 liquor type novelties.

As my need to reach more faraway lands increases, unsurprisingly so does the length of the journeys. What hits an all time low is my ability to stop neurotic mid-flight thoughts and get some sleep. So here’s what I’ve found helps.

This is the everyman’s guide to long haul flying. If you’re flying first, you have no business here. Enjoy racking up off your cabin’s bidet.

#1.

Do not go gentle into that lazy night


Keep on top of things before your big trip. Really straddle that to-do list. Ensure you’re well rested, too. Skipping sleep because you think you’ll catch up on z’s during the flight will end only in devastation.

Be sure to pack wisely and check in with time to spare. You don’t want to start your journey as a damp mess because you a) are sweating through the 20 layers of clothing that clocked in over the weight allowance, or b) had to run Forrest run through all the gates because you reckon the Uber driver made you late.

Ticking these simple pre-flight boxes will have you in a better position for the journey ahead. Also, less people will hate you.

Abu Dhabi international airport at sunrise

#2.

Skrrrrrrrt


I try to get wasted on whiskey a very respectable red wine buzz going before every long haul flight. If not before, then during will also suffice. Of COURSE, if booze isn’t your thing, then why not pop a valium. Or a melatonin. Or solidified possum tears. Look I won’t pretend to know what the kids are taking these days.

#3.

Do actually hydrate


On that note, keep your second most important fluids up. Chug that water. This is essential because the air filtration up there is robbing you BLIND. The system supplies air with 20-45% less humidity than what you’re used to, so moisture evaporates from your hot bod faster.

That being said, you must also keep your skin hydrated, you disgusting mess. Wash your face, use facial wipes, apply rosehip oil or give yourself a once over with an Evian or Avene aerosol. These two are my favourites even though I get teased for paying top dollar for what is basically nitrogen + water in a can. Oh well, to yourself be true.

#4.

Kickin’ goals


Set to work on those lists, squire. Flop down that tray table, fang on that crowd-pleasing overhead light and put your back into it! Really pour yourself into your step-by-step plan to success. There’s nothing like a trip abroad to help you put things into perspective.

If you suspect that the man next to you – who you also suspect is called something like Hans – is so out of his mind bored that he’s reading everything you jot down, start writing some freaky stuff! Draw a human head in a jar of brine as an add-on to your list. Extra points if that head bears a likeness to Hans’. Your mission is now not only to list your goals, it’s to scare Hans.

#5.

Trim the fat


If you’re like me and you’re pretty tall for your age – I’m a lofty 5’4” – you won’t want a semi-trailer of belongings at your feet.

So Babushka doll your carry-on bag. Let me explain. In your main carry-on you should have all you’ll need for the flight, plus a smaller lightweight bag with the essentials: phone, passport, wallet, book. You’ll keep this sack at your feet while the big boy rests up top.

Also, stick to those pesky liquid allowances. This will lighten the load and will make going through security a breeze. Really evaluate whether your “road trip restroom makeover” necessitates you packing all that purple hair dye.

#6.

Keep ‘em juiced


Ensure all your devices – phone, laptop, Tamagotchi – are amply charged and bring along an also juiced portable charger. If you are without, Kmart sells decent ones for $5. Waiting until you get to the airport to purchase one is not a pennywise idea. I have three now and I’ve had to mortgage my house eight times.

#7.

C H I N W A G


Start a conversation with your new seatfellow. You never know who you could be sitting next to. A distant relative, an Australian Idol runner-up, the Zodiac killer – sky’s the limit!

#8.

Take it in


If you’ve scored a window seat, don’t just sit there and act like you totally don’t have to pee because you don’t want to inconvenience the rest of the row. Rise above the stereotype. Stare out the window and marvel at your surrounds. Seriously. It sounds basic but how often do you get to be in the clouds, aligned with the rising sun? Okay, this is reading as a Chinese proverb right now.

Go on, snap that Insta photo you know you need. Extra points if you get the wing so that your fans know you’re on a plane, and not just like, up in the clouds consorting with Zeus again.

The sun rising during long haul flight

#9.

Time


While most folks binge on a backlog of TV shows, I prefer podcasts. They’re easy on the eyes, especially on a long haul flight when you don’t want lights blaring in your face. Plus they’re kinder to your battery than those elaborate pornographic videos of yours.

I recommend Revisionist History and Tell Me Something I Don’t Know if you’d like to get schooled, The Nerdist and The Moth if you need to be distracted by a rotation of storytellers, Casefile if you’re a crime junkie and My Dad Wrote a Porno, Comedy Central Stand Up and The Full Catastrophe (or Story Clubif you need a laugh.

#10.

Just relax, already


You’ll want to make the most of your upcoming travels, obviously. So before you touch down, try get into the best possible frame of mind. Plug in your headphones, play your favourite songs. If you need to kick it up a notch, check out the Headspace meditation app. It’s a great gateway to mindfulness and the narrator’s soothing British voice might make you melt.

#11.

Snacks on a plane


Being a vegetarian, I usually get served first during mealtime. That may sound lit, but fast ain’t always fine *insert ex-boyfriend analogy here* and the airline meal usually ends up being a helping of greasy carbs. Even if you don’t mind airline food, it’s good to be able to perk yourself up with something wholesome. Next time you fly, have a mum-worthy bag of snacks at the ready. Opt for fruit or muesli bars, the healthier the better.

#12.

Ethnic delights


You’re headed to a faraway land, so you must obviously be craving another culture and the opportunity to break out of your comfort zone. Right? Okay. Good.

Luckily you already have a world of culture at your fingertips before you land. If you’re flying with one of the less white airlines, check out the “world” channels on their in-flight entertainment. Flip on a Hindi film and enjoy. Try rack your brain for all the Hollywood movies you suspect they’ve taken cues from. It’s either that or watching contextless single episodes grabbed from every American sitcom.

Bonus #13.

Join the mile-high club

Tweet me with tips and success stories.

– – –

If you’re lost without me, follow Lost by Luna on FacebookInstagramand Twitter.


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16 Comments

  • Reply
    Cynthia
    February 15, 2017 at 2:15 pm

    You have a wonderful sense of humor in your writing style! Love the tongue in cheek advice. Long haul flights can be as fun or as miserable as we make them.
    P.S. Every time I read your title, my brain re-interprets it as Long A*s Haul Flight… truly, I had to read your title twice to get it correct. 😉

    • Reply
      Serena Coady
      February 15, 2017 at 11:14 pm

      Thank you Cynthia! Actually you make a point, I think it makes more sense as ‘long ass’ flight. I shall change it 🙂

  • Reply
    Stephanie | thefantasia.com
    February 16, 2017 at 1:58 am

    These tips are a nice change from the usual picks we’ve seen! I wouldn’t have included joining the mile high club as being one of the options but WHY NOT!!!??? haha 😉

  • Reply
    Jay Artale
    February 16, 2017 at 2:01 am

    Our last long ass flight was from Istanbul to NY via Kiev on Ukraine Airlines .. they only had one movie playing … it was the First Harry Potter – now 10 years old. And it was in Ukrainian with Chinese subtitles … should have packed the podcasts!

  • Reply
    Jain
    February 16, 2017 at 2:03 am

    Sodified possum tears! Haha..lol..i will stick with Baileys on ice 🙂
    You obviously havent watched good hindi films!!!! Good things doesnt get advertised much sadly!

  • Reply
    Rohan Cahill-Fleury
    February 16, 2017 at 2:27 am

    Being from New Zealand, I am well accustomed to long ass flights. At a point where I’m willing to try anything! Thanks for the tips 🙂

  • Reply
    Becky
    February 16, 2017 at 2:34 am

    Great tips, I do a lot of long haul myself and I think being prepared is great idea, although I would recommend taking a bit more than just essentials in case you get stuck anywhere mid journey. I recently got stuck in Istanbul in the snow for 2 days with just my hand luggage. I did have some warm clothes but ended up braving the snow in search of clean underwear!!!

    Oh and I do have a bit of a mile high story, I got bored on one long haul and ended up snogging one of the air stewards whilst all the other passengers were asleep ha ha!!!

  • Reply
    Rachel K
    February 16, 2017 at 3:07 am

    Ooh podcasts! I always forget about those while traveling. With some planes now offering wifi, everything changes with how to spend those long flights. These were great – and very funny – tips, thanks!

  • Reply
    Lena
    February 16, 2017 at 8:32 am

    Fun tips, really appreciated.
    I am soon embarking on a very very long (22 hours!!) flight to Australia so I’ll need some of these tips. I am usually the one that sleeps well on plains, but my bump hurts like crazy afterwards 😀

  • Reply
    Cali
    February 16, 2017 at 9:51 am

    “If you’ve got a window seat, don’t just sit there and act like you totally don’t have to pee because you don’t want to inconvenience the rest of the row.” LOL Like seriously though, this is my move and then it becomes an emergency. I will be remembering your words on my next flight!

  • Reply
    Valerie Hansen
    February 16, 2017 at 1:48 pm

    Ha ha you are killing me.this post is so funny and entertaining! Do tell about the “mile high club..ahhahahah!” These are all great tips…the snacks and having a portable charger are big in my book!

    Valerie

  • Reply
    Jewels
    February 16, 2017 at 3:01 pm

    Such a funny and useful post. Most of my flights are really long. One of my favorite things to do is talk to my seat mate (if they seem open to it lol). I also love watching movies!

  • Reply
    Chloe
    February 16, 2017 at 9:28 pm

    I love your writing style!! Such a good post, I’ve done many of these things on a flight, especially staring out the window. We take it for granted that we’re flying thousands of feet in the air with an incredible view! I almost joined the mile high club but we chickened out because it was light and a small plane… Also we weren’t sure if you can get arrested for doing it?!

  • Reply
    Brianne Miers
    February 18, 2017 at 5:00 am

    Such a fun post! I always bring a notebook on planes with me – I love being able to “unplug” and journal and be creative, instead of always being on my phone and laptop!

  • Reply
    Kat
    February 19, 2017 at 2:41 am

    Fun post! Long haul flights can be the worst… so I enjoyed the humour you brought to this. I now feel like I should’ve been more productive on some of my long-haul flights – all those wasted hours!
    Kat recently posted…The essential guide to long-distance travel in AustraliaMy Profile

  • Reply
    Medio Hippie
    March 27, 2017 at 2:13 am

    I prefer to pack only the essentials in my carry-on but since I worked in a hotel an saw how many times we had to search for lost baggages after the guests arrived I like to pack a set of clothing into my carry on just to avoid using the same clothes in case my suitcase get lost.

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